Not Having a Daughter When You Thought That You Would
There was a time when I thought I would have a houseful of little women. Four girls. I even picked out names for them. As I grew up I thought that having two of each would be great.
Then I started having my own children and thought that having a boy first would be great. The whole older brother thing. When I had my second son I was really excited because two older brothers would be even better. I wanted three kids, had two boys and knew I would always have a daughter, right?
Before I got pregnant with my 3rd son I was helping my mom clean her garage and we came across a lot of my old dresses. I wanted to take them home with me to save for later. Although they are very 1980s style dresses, I would have loved to put them on a daughter, just for pictures if nothing else.
I just knew in my heart that someday my own daughter would get to wear them.
Then we got pregnant with #3. We tried a little bit for a girl. Did you know you can do that? The science kinda makes sense. Basically, what you are doing is making the chances higher of having a particular gender. It isn’t full proof of course.
When I got pregnant, knew I could have another boy and I knew I would love him very very much but I also knew how badly I wanted a daughter. I have such a great relationship with my own mom that I couldn’t image a world without that, not then. I couldn’t imagine a world without being a mom to a little girl.
I couldn’t imagine doing all the things I had always thought I would do with one. Of shopping on the other side of the store. Of buying dresses and girl scouts and Barbies, oh how I couldn’t wait to buy Barbies!
We went in for our ultrasound and I still felt so strongly that they would tell us the baby was a girl. Until they didn’t…until the tech said “boy.” What? But this is my girl! What is going on?
I knew that I was going to have to mourn the loss of never having a daughter. This was our last baby and he was a boy. That was all there was to it. Don’t get me wrong, I was not mourning having a son, I was mourning the fact that I would never be the mom to a little girl, something I always thought I would do.
Because when you think your life is going to look a certain way, and it looks different, you have to take some time to deal with that emotionally. And that’s ok.
Fast forward 7 years and I LOVE having three boys. I can’t imagine life any other way. I am not sad about not having a daughter. I am happy that I have THREE sons. I love being the only girl in this house, besides our dog of course.
When a friend finds out they are having a third of the same gender, I get so excited for them. And other moms who are having their third boy? Welcome to the club ladies 🙂
I am not sure why I felt so strongly that I would have a daughter, but it just goes to show that life never really ends up the way you think it might. I never could have imagined being the mom with all the boys, but here I am and I can’t imagine life any other way.